Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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30 March 2016

"Det It Dough!"... A Frozen Legacy

"Det It Dough!"
Or if you don’t speak BabyBoy1… "Let It Go!" He’s so cute and fluffy.

Frozen was a huge part of our lives for ages.
We watched the film, sang the song, over and over and over and over until our ears and eyes bleed ice. We were required to watch the film so much that magically every now and then, the DVD just disappeared! Or the TV had days where it just wouldn't work at all with that one film. Gutted.
Our programs were fine obv. Frozen though. Naaa. Not working.
Heh heh.

We ran up and down the corridors with capes a flying and me and Miss4 found something we could and bond over. Capes.
And in one of my rare wisey moments (I have them) I knew (they are useless) that there would be some kind of legacy from the film Frozen. (Told you, useless wiseyness).
When a film permeates (wiggles) into your life as much as Frozen did for us.
It stays and becomes part of the family history.

Like Boy8 was with the film Cars.
Bacon and cheese did we love that film. We must have watched Cars a millions times together. We had a lot of the Cars toys and ker-chow is firmly, and will always be, in our family lexicon (bag of words).
KER-CHOW! Legacy!

Cars really defined a couple of years in Boy8's (then Boy4) life. He was just so utterly, utterly cute then and we would sit and play cars and watch Cars all day long.
There's a point in the film where Mater (as in To’mater) asks Lightning (McQueen) if they are buds.
Boy8 did that to me.
<Heart melts at memory>

That was when we first declared our bud status.
We obviously made it formal once I had a lawyer draft a short, four thousand page, agreement, which he has totally ignored ever since. I never thought those days would end.
<Wipes away nostalgic tear>
<Continues repairing the gate Boy8 tore off the wall last week in a strop>

(These guys practically raised me Boy8…)

Then in 2013 Frozen appeared.
That was the first film Miss5 fell utterly in love with it. So did I.
That was three years ago, and although Miss5 still loves it, she doesn't watch Frozen every day, like she used to. Other films get a look in now.
We are all very glad about that.

You can always tell when parents have seen a film too much.
They start picking holes. Starting tearing down the walls of innocence in the movie.
You know get all adult about stuff.
We’ve (me) wondered about the sexual preferences of the sauna owner many times. Despite it being a children's film.
We've (me) wondered how a nice princess like Anna could go around asking strange men to take them strange places.
We’ve (me) wondered about the Star Wars style plot killer (Oh just shoot the escape pod, what the hell, it's not as though one laser blast will change anything, it will blow up the droids and plans will go nowhere, shoot man SHOOOT!!!!) start to the entire story.
Had the king just been a bit more cool about it all, and less idiotic... Well...

My alternative start to Frozen...

The King (Elsa’s Dad): 'Huh! Elsa! You seem to have ice making powers!’
Elsa: <Crapping herself> ‘Yeeees…’
The King: 'Cool’
The King: 'Let's get you trained up with those powers, make sure nothing bad happens’
Elsa: ‘Shouldn't I hide them away, deny them, a part of me, thereby forcing everyone to live a lie, and alienating us all?’
The King: 'Don't be a twat fool. Secrets are always bad. What do you think this is? A plot device?’ <Chuckles>
The King: 'We'll tell everyone all about it, it'll be cool... '
The King: 'I'M THE FRIKKIN KING!’ <Does big arms>
Elsa: ‘OK... So we don't have to alter Anna's childhood memories then?’
The King: 'CRAP NO! What is up with you?’ <Gives Elsa a look>
The King: 'Why would anyone think that was a viable option? We’re not MiB?
The King: 'Can you imagine what damage that may do to your sister-sister relationship?’
Elsa: 'Can we at least get the advice of the trolls? Before we rush into anything?'
The King: 'Hmmm... ‘ <Thinks> ‘no they suck rocks'
Elsa: ‘OK. I'm off out...‘
The King: 'With that boy?’
Elsa: ‘Yes... he's promised to take me up the north mountain…’
The King: <Chokes on beer cup of tea> 'Did he?'
Elsa: ‘So... when's your boat trip?'
The King: 'Not going... Bloody hate the sea, dangerous. Bollocks to it, me and Queenie are staying at home and chilling instead'

But if the love for the movie has faded a bit.
The music is still very much present in our lives. Which is my fault, as I've got it on my phone. And I play it for Miss5 on demand much to Mrs. Amazing’s disgust.
It can be a good way to convince Miss5 to eat her food.
Sometimes.

Miss5 has her own (no one can join in) dance routine worked out.
It has become more complex over time. There's a lot of pointing and freezing stuff. A stamp on the floor in time with the music. Dropping the cape at the right moment is still very important.
I still run about with my arms up being very dramatic, doing a mix of Dragon Ball Z, Kung Fu poses and disco moves.
I look like fool rock it.

And this tale would end there. Done.
<Dusts off hands>
Except…

Someone new fallen in love with Frozen.
Someone that hasn't even seen the film all the way through.
And no, not the Cat, or the actually very much dead fish, that played possum for so long no one believed he was actually dead. And no, not the smegging hamster either.
It’s BabyBoy1.
He asks me to play ‘Let It Go’ on my phone. It's the only song he knows the name of.
How on earth could I refuse?

BabyBoy1: 'Det It Dough? Det It Dough?'
<Shakes head>
'Det It Dough? Det It Dough? Deeeeaze?’
<Cracks like Miss5 keeping a secret> Oh alright matey!
<Does his fist pumping and starts running about>
I’ll get the capes…
<Pretends to be reluctant, but is already wearing own cape>

(TELL ME WHERE THE CHOCOLATE IS!!!
TALK MOO FACE PRINCESS!)

Which means we have a new member to our Frozen sing-dance moments.
Miss5 and me, and now BabyBoy1! Yay!
Last time we listened to 'Let It Go' ten times in a row. It’s 3:45 minutes long… That’s half an hour of singing and dancing, I was knackered.
When Miss5 tired of listening, BabyBoy1 took over the asking. When he got distracted Miss5 came back with renewed vigour.

We obviously dressup.
Miss5 dons a blue cape and Elsa wig. Her standard Frozen gear. I was in pirate bandana (which is another, pirate related, tale) and purple cape (a reluctant Anna).
And so he could join in, I stuffed a small red cape down BabyBoy1 jammies collar.
But The cape confused him. He didn't get it.

Until...
Like my father did before me, and his father before him, probably, I put on my purple Anna cape and showed BabyBoy1 what running from one end of the room to the other, with a cape was all about. Presence, speed and flare, and not crashing into the wall.
Nothing, I repeat nothing, removes your cape worries more than watching a grown man, especially your Dad, running at full pace, arms up to the sky, from one side of the room to the other, singing at the top of his lungs.

I do admit I felt very a little silly running about with my purple cape flowing behind me, arms out, singing away at the top of my lungs, with people walking by, looking in the window, filming, taking pictures, making sketches.
So I shut the curtains. Problem solved! Hooray!
<Runs about singing like an unwatched champion>

(He’s got his Dad’s moves...)

It was a good move.
We had such a good time the three of us. BabyBoy1 loved that time with me so much he's been all about the Daddy love ever since. Which is awesome.
And on a par with that, maybe better, I think I might have even managed to get onto Miss5's favourites list (my P.B.).
I now rank just below non-shiny stickers.
#Winning


27 March 2016

Chocolate Day! Yay!

The Easter decorations are up…

What the smeg? <Points are eggs adorning the fireplace>
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Miss5 decorated… ISN’T IT lovely…’ <Motions towards Miss5>
No, it’s well weird… It’s like we live in a card shop!
<Sees Miss5> I love it! Well done Miss5!
I don’t know how we got by at Easter without decorations before!
<Gives Mrs. Amazing a look>
<Is ignored>

(That ain’t no moon…
‘No… It’s Easter decorations’
Oh… That’s weird…)

I don’t think we need Easter decorations.
My Mum visited earlier in the week and she mocked us for the decorations. The shame.
But it is a bit weird having giant eggs about the place. 
Not terrible, but a bit weird.

Being the traditional man that I am not.
I have followed my Easter tradition of utterly forgetting we need to plan and layout an Easter hunt for each child until the night before. 
Just after I have settled on the sofa for the night, with wine in tummy, Mrs. Amazing asks who's Easter hunt I want to do...

Mine
What! For when?
‘For tomorrow’
For tomorrow???
‘Yes! Let’s get cracking!
<Wants to run>
BUCKET! With clogs on… FINE!... Get me a pad...

Team Parents (yay!) do what we do well, we divide and conquer.  
We require a treasure hunt for BabyBoy1, Miss5 and Boy8.
Quite a mix of hunts are required…

BabyBoy1
He just has to follow something until he finds chocolate. No actual clues are needed yet.
It's more that we want to teach him the positives and joys that can happen to you when are walking, if you just keep smegging going and don’t stop every thirty seconds because you’ve seen the ground. Oh and the very good message of, if you see huge footprints, follow them they may lead to chocolate, not horrific bloody death.
Mrs. Amazing opts to draw out a load of feet for him, and they lead to the washing machine. A classic Easter egg holding place. Why Miss5 and Boy8 don’t check there to start with, who knows!
I do would!

(After a night of Rum, powder and Upsy-D, Iggle Piggle doesn’t tend to rise until lunch...)
(ARGHGHH DINOSAURS! <Runs>)

Miss5 and Boy8
With Mrs. Amazing doing footprints for BabyBoy1 the role of quiz master, cryptic clue conjurer, the merry piper, Mr. Bunny, falls to me.
By this point in the evening I think it’s fair to say I have been drinking and shouting at the tele.
I grab a notepad and think of devious and fiendish clues for Boy8 and Miss5 to solve.
Obviously Miss5’s need to be pretty simple, as she needs to be able to read them as well. She is only five. And we want the eggs found within ten, maybe eleven, if musties, minutes.
Boy8’s though can be a lot harder. And I want him to think and yes, suffer a little for his chocolate this year.
Ahahahhahahhahaaaaa… <Whips cape about like a twat cooly>

I write eight clues each and sanity check them with Mrs. Amazing.
She is polite and only shoots down the worst ones...

[Miss5’s first clue]
“The fish tank!”
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Isn’t the fish dead?’
Yes… finally… (He has been playing possum for ages)
‘Did you turn the pump off?’
Of course I did… the fish is dead… cha...
‘I’m not sure a dead fish... at the bottom of a fish tank is the best start to an Easter hunt’
Put it in the fish’s mouth
Hmmmmm…. I think you may be right…

[Miss5’s another clue]
“The tigger chair!”
‘The what? Which one?’
That one <Points at the nearest chair> the tigger chair
‘That’s a pooh chair’
<Giggles>
Is it? Ok then... Pooh chair!
‘I’m not sure I’d associate that particularly with Pooh though, it’s just a logo on a cushion... that we lost ages back’
FINE! Whatever!
Change it to “Small chair”
<Get’s another bottle>
<Shouts at tele more>

[Boy8’s clue]
“Chop up a pig (cold)!”
‘What the?’
The fridge, sliced ham in the fridge!
‘Oh…. That’s a bit… choppy… ikky’ <Does choppy action>
I suppose… <Is disappointed>
How about slices of pig… No… That’s not much better is it
<Shakes head>
I’ll just put bollocks

And then, my very own personal tradition that has occurred since Team Parents (yay!) first got it on met, occurs.
I utterly, utterly, fail to be able to set up Easter clues without getting very confused about which clue goes where. 
I tend to end up with no clues for the start. Or a gap somewhere in the clue chain. Or two in one place. Or I make really detailed and foolproof notes, and then end up next to the fridge wondering if the clue in my left hand goes inside the fridge, or outside of the fridge, but then find a clue already in the fridge. It’s my idea of hell.
Not sure why though, I’m an idiot,  but my brain cannot cope with this extremely simple complex task.
Mrs. Amazing understands my problem and tries to help as much as she can.
She offer to layout the clues.
Which means all I have to do is read my notes, and the numbered clues, and tell her where the next one goes.
Easy!

I get it wrong a mere twice.
YEAH! <Does heel kicks in the air>
<Lands baldy and limps off>

Happy Chocolate day everyone!

('Are you ever going to eat it?' Nope...)


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