Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

26 June 2016


Thunder and lightning.
It is a little bit frightening isn't it?
And no I'm not being a wuss. You go stand outside in a storm holding a metal plate and then tell me how brave you are...

Mrs. Amazing: ‘What on earth are you doing?’
<Is cold and wet> I'm proving a point!!!
Mrs. Amazing: ‘You have nothing to prove! We all know you're an idiot!’
Mrs. Amazing: ‘To who?’
The internet! About how a storm is scary even for big tough men like me!
Mrs. Amazing: <Rolls eyes> ‘... But you’re not big and tough? Oh...’
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Are those Miss5's Thomas the tank Engine slippers?’
Yes! My feet were getting wet!
Oh crap! That was close... <Is scared>
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Have fun!’ <Closes door and draws curtains>

(In his later years, Superman, forgets himself and playfully kicks a stone at a tree…)

There was a storm last night.
Stormwise in the UK we don't get enormous and life threatening storms very often. I think the last big storm was some thirty years ago and is spoken about, akin to an urban legend, by those old enough to remember it.
Which annoyingly includes me…

Did I ever tell you about the Great Storm of 87'?
Boy8: ‘87 what?’
1987 - the year. The Great Storm of 87!
Boy8: ‘We’re you alive then? Was there Vikings?’
<Feels old>
Yes. Eric the Bloody Frickin’ Nutter was my name. I was a florist..

I remember that storm because it fell (yes, fell) so many trees there was no electricity or school for two weeks. We played board games and card games by candlelight each night.
Best two weeks ever.

Last nights storm though, wasn't a big storm.
But it was loud. It was loud enough to wake me and I slept through the Great, but terrible because there was a lot of destruction, so great only in a size kind of way, Storm of '87.


Team Parents (yay!) we're knackered.
For a change. Normally Mrs. Amazing would be out of bed watching nature show off and I’d be trying very hard, but failing, to get to sleep with Mrs. Amazing telling me all about the storm.
But not this time. We were both so knackered and just laid and listened to the storm.


However a storm is different with kids.
Elsewhere in the house are Boy8, Miss5 and BabyBoy2. Who we’ve already spent two hours convincing to go to sleep.
And Mrs. Nature, Gaia, old Mrs. KABOOOOM-BZZZZZ-SPLAT-ARGGHH, is trying to wake them all up.
It's quite annoying.

Miss5 is the first up.
Which is fair enough. Miss5 had come that day feeling poorly, with a headache. It was so likely that she was going to be first up, Team Parents (yay!) hadn't even put a bet on it...

Which monkey do you think will be up first?
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Bubbles Miss5. She wakes at this time of night anyway...’ <Looks sad about it>
Does she?
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Yes. Captain Sleep-through-anything’
General, thank you. General Sleep-through-anything. I got promoted.
You know you can wake me, don’t you? I'm cool with it
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Yes, but that, in itself, can be harder and take longer than just putting Miss5 back to bed myself’
<Shrugs shoulder> It's 'cause I’m innocent, and work so hard every day
<Both laugh>

(Don’t look at me like that… You know why I’m wearing the mask…)

My money is on Boy8 to be first in.
He loves not-sleeping. He loves talking at us in the middle of the night.
You'll notice how BabyBoy2 isn't even an out-runner here. A combination of being solidly asleep like only the tiny can be, being trapped in a cage cot, and being awesome. Mean that unless there's a particularly big thunder crash that sets off car alarms.
BabyBoy2 isn't likely to wake.
It's an innocent thing I am sure.


Miss5 darts in.
I owe you £5. Damn it.
Miss5: 'Mummy I'm scar...'

And it feels like nature is taking the piss a little here. Poor Miss5.
As Miss5 already sounds scared and is rushing in to get a cuddle so she can feel safe. What she doesn't need right now is...

Miss5: '.... ekkkkkkk!’ <Dives into bed and hides>

Team Parents (yay!) do their best to calm Miss5.
Poor thing is shaking.


Boy8 walks in.
He does not look scared, and frankly I just think he is just cashing in on the being up fun. But I can’t prove it.
I sit up in bed ready to grab him and then send him back to bed. It’s easier to head them off at the pass. My plan half works as we hug, but he then outmaneuvers me and curls up on my pillow, right behind me..
I am now stuck sitting up.

Come on! Move... I am soooo tired! <Lamely swats at Boy8 trying to get him to move>
There's nothing to be scared of, the storm is probably gon...


I shove Boy8 across so I can lay down.
And us four lay in bed counting how many seconds between the lightning flashes and thunder


When it gets to nineteen seconds Boy8 agrees to go back to bed.
The storm has passed. I get my spot back in bed. It so much easier to sleep without someone the exact heat of the sun, and kicky, next to me. YAY!
Mrs. Amazing envies my ample adult space in the bed copies my lead and suggests Miss5 head back to bed.
Miss5 is less than keen.

Team Parents (yay!) have a quick discussion.
Somehow, I am dramatically out voted and find myself, a short time later in Miss5's bed trying to explain to her why she should stay in bed.
Why the storm is nothing to worry about as it’s passed by.
And why it’s still thundering, although it’s gone.
I explain it pretty well I think. Static electricity, basic atmospheric pressure theory, clouds, moisture.
You know, weathery stuff.
I am clear, factual and concise. I avoid mentioning about the raw power and the deathy-side of electricity too. It’s not so great for the sleeping I guess.
Miss5 disagrees with my ‘theory’ and instead presents her own madness

Miss5: ‘No Daddy. The thunder is when the clouds drive into each other’
Miss5: <Does hand actions> ‘CRASH! That’s the thunder!’
No. That's wrong. Is it?
Miss5: ‘Uh-huh... And the rumble afterwards is the sound of the clouds falling down to the ground’
Wrongo! Er…

I don’t like Miss5 to misunderstand stuff. I like to correct.
But it’s late. I'm very tired….

Erm… well… <Is debating with self>

I’ve done well so far. But I bet I side into more deathy-stuff and scare the bejesus out of her correcting her theory. Lightning zaps. BOOM. That side...

Miss5: <Getting impatient...>

I am really tired. Whatever... <Throws up arms>

Yes Miss5. That's exactly right...
Miss5: <Smiles with satisfaction>
… now go to sleep...
Miss5: <Rolls over happy and ready to sleep> 'Night Daddy'
Night <Heart fills with joy and love>... Zzz

[Fifteen minutes later]
<Wakes and sneaks out of Miss5's bed like a crap ninja>
<Sneaks back into my own bed> ... Ahhhhh <Is loving the sheets>
Mrs. Amazing: '... Zzz...zzz...zzz...'
<Gives Mrs. Amazing a look> <Bounces the bed a bit>
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Zzz... ZzzT!’ <Snoring stops>
... Ahhhhh ... <Snuggles down>
[It starts to piss down with rain... finally]
<Thinks of the Cat shut outside. In the rain. Is cool with it>
<Sleeps like a baby…>

(left to right: Duck, Cloud Captain (the inspiration for Miss5’s meteorological knowledge), Derek Griffiths (the Cloud Captain!, frickin’ SUPERTED!!!!), Sarah)