Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

14 February 2016

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Parents: Valentines After Kids

It's Valentines day, Team Parent (yay!) are busy tonight.

Yes <Has kids ironing ready and set up>
<Opens Guinness>
<Pours wine>
[Six Nations Rugby match starts]

So here's a collection of tales from Valentine's past, demonstrating the romantic ease, joy, simplicity, and FUN children have brought to Valentine’s day for us.
Either directly or via the after effects.
Or simple “The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Parents: Valentines After Kids”.
The gits.

Giving Chocolates! (Surely a winner)

I got you these chocs! TADA! <Expects a snog>
'I'm on a diet...'
'I am still trying to lose baby weight... You know that...'
<Has sinking feeling>
'You know much I hate running'
'And you bring me chocolates...' <Opens box>
'With some missing!!!' <Eats some>
[Leaves with five chocolates shoved up nose]

(The're safe, I've tested them for poison... 
'Who would poison them?'
<Does shifty eyes>)

Cooking a Special Meal at Home!

I've cooked!
I've got us a nice 'enough' steak (No money).
But cut around the fat and there's a nice steak in there somewhere
'Oooo you've really gone to town this year'
I even made my special steak sauce
<Shows mustard and mayo mix>
Booze Wine to get you drunk for your taste enjoyment
<Shows reasonably priced bottle>
And of course... chips, obv.
<Both pick up knives ready to eat>
'WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH' (* 'I don't know why, but tonight I must be held at all times!')
[We have romantic dinner for three]
I don't recall ordering the Gooseberry surprise...

Eating out!

Oh man... Grown up food!
'I know!'
Yes booze in there... <Directs waiter by pointing at glass>
'I would like booze in here' <Points>
'... and here' <Points at other wine glass>
Waiter: 'Ma'am?'
You heard the lady, both glasses… Twonk
Wanna share something to eat?
'Absolutely not, no'
Me neither. Let's get starters, main, pudding, lots of side dishes, everything!
We never get out together like this, let’s live!

[Later back home, both feeling crapola]
<Swigs Gaviscon and eats rennie like they were skittles>
I need water... Owwww…
<Eats skittles>
'I'm gonna roll on the floor for a bit to help my tummy...'
My head hurts so much...
'WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH' (* 'I don't know why, but tonight I must be held at all times whilst I shout!')

('This does not count as romantic...'
YES. It. Does. 
<Is covered in popcorn>)

Seeing a Romantic Film

Cinema monkey: 'That'll be a week salary'
<Looks at Mars bar, small tub of popcorn, and utter crap looking tea>
Are you joking?
<Gets nudged by Mrs. Amazing>
OK fine <Pulls out kidney and pays>
Cinema monkey: 'Do you need 3D glasses? They’re not free...'
Two. Please <Throws punches through his eyes>

[During the film]
'Where has their baby gone? Do they put it in a cupboard when people visit?'
Wasn't that baby just born, it's talking now...
'She's recovered from birth very, very, very quickly...'
The kid behind me keeps kicking my chair I am just going to kill him
'I often wake up with make-up on and hair done like that...'
And he's... well... there's no glory in his morning it seems...

[After the film at home]
<Mega yawns>

No Frills. Just a Night Together

It's nice to have time just for us
'Totally. No kids'
No kids, we can just talk about whatever we like
'Oh yes, time to talk about other things, lovely'
<Smiles back>
Weather is not constant is it? Much like normal in the UK?
'Yes, it is isn't it'
Did you see Boy8 homework?
'Bloody brilliant wasn't it!'
'Did you hear what Miss5 called me?'
'No. It’s best you don’t guess...'
<Gets a kiss>

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