Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

7 February 2016

LyricTale: Black Star

Back in 1995, about march time. Radiohead released The Bends.
I was just the right age, had the right temperament, and outlook on life… to utterly fall in love with it (yes, thanks to you little bruv). It is still one of my favourite albums.

It is currently ranked as 111th in the “Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest albums of all time”. Which ain't that bad and shows it wasn't just me that liked it.
I appreciate that Radiohead isn't for everyone, but equally, neither are tights. But that doesn't mean I can’t like them…  no wait… hang on… that may not scan right...

(Actual amount of bends given may vary…)

If you do have a Radiohead allergy there is a simple cure (no pun) apparently. All you have to do is bang your head against a wall, as fast as you can, brick-ier the better. Works everytime.


On the Bends is a blinding song called Black Star.
It doesn't even have a wiki entry it’s so awesome. But lyrically I love it and wonder if Thom York (Radiohead singer) was talking about his wife and kids (which I don’t think he had at that point). 

To me I hear a tired Team Parents (yay!) doing their best with family life, trying not very hard to become alcoholics, loonies, or boring...

“I get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown”

Ah yeah!<Does gonna get some dance>
Have you even moved today? <Gets killed>
Right... OK <Mentally adjusts and readies self for second shift of the day>

“Well what am I to do?”

<Holds Mrs. Amazing and looks her in the eyes>
I am here to help. I love you. They will leave home eventually
What do you want me to do first?
<Points at the children> ‘Remove them…’
On it <Has good idea> Cuppa?
‘As long as it doesn't hinder the children removal, yes please…’

“I know all the things around your head and what they do to you”

Miss5! Boy8! Stop buzzy around Mrs. Amazing’s head!
Can't you see she's about to explode!!!
<All step back>
Actually we better run… just in case…

“What are we coming to?”

What have you three been doing to your poor mother?
<Miss5 shrugs> <Boy8 shrugs>
<BabyBoy1 runs straight into a wall, and cries>
<Mrs. Amazing picks up BabyBoy1>‘... All. Smegging. Day’

“What are we gonna do?”

<Acts in charge> You two, get naked, then bath. You, go shower! Go! Chop chop!
<All three runoff in opposing directions and start putting on more clothes>
<Mrs. Amazing collapses in tears of laughter>
You’re not helping, you know...
‘Not trying to!’ <More tears>

“Blame it on the black star. Blame it on the falling sky”

What in the name of Geoffrey's Boycotts rhubarb is that running across the floor upstairs?
‘Ol' twinkle toes herself... Miss5’ <Is opening wine>

“Blame it on the satellite that beams me home”

My bike had a puncture...
'Oh no! How'd you get home them?'
Attached myself to an email.... <Skips off>

“The troubled words of a troubled mind I try to understand what is eating you”

Tell me again, slowly... with actions... what Boy8 did?
Because your voice has gone up an octave that I cannot hear
<Mimes BabyBoy1 and Miss5 minding their own business, playing nicely>
<Mimes Boy8 entering, armed to teeth with Nerf guns and water balloons>
I see...

“I try to stay awake but its 58 hours since that I last slept with you”

<Gets into bed after a long day> Night darling
Miss5: ‘Night Daddy’
What? What are you doing in here?
Boy8: ‘Night Dude’
And you! What are you doing in here?
<Gets attacked by BabyBoy1>
BabyBoy1: ‘DADDDDDADDDADDD’ (* ‘ Dad!’)
Is Mummy even in here? Where is she?

“What are we coming to? I just don't know anymore”

I love you and wish we could spend more time together
‘Huh? Sorry I drifted off, just so tired… What do you love?’

“Blame it on the black star. Blame it on the falling sky. Blame it on the satellite that beams me home”

Oooo it’s dark out...
‘Where's your scooter?’
<Whimpers a bit> I feel off and hurt my knee <Shows grazed knee>
Then some big kids laughed at me <Wipes snot from nose> So I threw it away
‘So how'd you get home?’
… Tweeted myself <Skips off>

“I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don't think of you
I keep falling over I keep passing out when I see a face like you”

‘How much did you drink after work?’
I havn’t been out for ages (hic) <Falls over> I think my low is thresh-thresh-old
‘How much did you drink?’
I only had a bag of crisps <Passes out>

“What am I coming to? I'm gonna melt down”

‘Why're you crying?’
It's this film, it's just so… so…  heart wrenchingly sad...
<Picks up box> UP!, stern stuff <Is ripping it>
But it's just so SAD! <Weeps>
What is wrong with me?

“Blame it on the black star. Blame it on the falling sky. Blame it on the satellite that beams me home”

‘Bike’s got a puncture, scooters abandoned, you must have walked home tonight!’
Nope... I got someone to fax me home <Skips off happy>
<Worries about increasingly mad husband>

“This is killing me”

So the deal is, for each annoying thing that happened in your day, you get a thimble of wine
<Grabs the bottle and starts chugging>
<Empties bottle>
‘Thimble too slow. Next bottle please’
<Passes bottle and starts opening next case>

“This is killing me”

Instead of going to bed at 10 pm. I suggest we go to bed at a time that allows us to catch up on the sleep we lost the night before
‘OK, sounds like a good idea, so what time do we go to bed tonight?’
<Calculates> Half past four...
Before the kids...
We'd miss Octonauts?