Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

20 January 2016

Miss4's Master Class on Delaying Tactics...

Getting Miss4 to sleep.
Can take a lot of time, and effort.

When Miss4 was very little she was pretty darn brilliant to put to bed.
Obviously she had her bad nights. Long, long, nights. Who doesn't.
But somehow or another, a very young Miss4 would know when she was ready for bed and start to dip her head to towards the cot, asking to be put down.
Then she would simply go to sleep. I KNOW!
Ahhhh. Happy days. Monday, Tuesday...

Over the last few years though.
She has become a bit of a time vampire. Which if you don’t know, is parent talk for: It take bloody ages for them to do something. And you have to watch.
In our case it was getting her to sleep. And in our case bloody ages meant anywhere between an hour or two.
At one point it was so bad, that the lucky Team Parent (yay!) member would come prepared for a long wait. Mrs. Amazing would have a book to read. I would ponder the existence of the human race, and our place amongst the stars play stupid games on my phone. Just so we had something to do whilst watching someone, not fall asleep, for a long time.

However we have improved.
Team Parent’s (yay!) greatest skill, I believe, is our theme tune ability to regroup and try another tactic.
Which is what we have done with Miss4.
Quite a few times already.

Sleeping Angel by izmiyura
(Drawn by izmiyura and can be found here)

Our current status now is...
Much improved, but still not great. BabyBoy1 goes to sleep quicker, to put it into context.
Boy8 goes to sleep quicker. To double that context and raise you fifty!
At present:
We don’t have to sit in her room anymore! YAY!
We don’t even have to sit outside her door! YAY! Freedom!
But…being upstairs and pootling about is still required. Boooo.

We still have to be ‘around’ as it were.
If we do not maintain a presence, nearby, Miss4 either sings, talks to herself, or plays with her toys in her room, quietly. 
However Miss4 is a sharp cookie, and nothing if not resilient. 
To counter us Miss4 deploys her own, quite habitual, tricks, method and reasons for leaving her bed and not going to sleep. So habitual have Miss4’s time delaying tactics become. That Team Parents (yay!) can now predict what she is going to ask, demand, complain or just talk about, almost instantly. Like magic.

I present to you Miss4’s most common response provoking moves, Her, if you will, master class on delaying tactics...

[Miss4 has been read three books and had a lovely bedtime]
[Miss4 has had all the cuddles any person could ever need]
[Miss4 has been in bed ten, maybe twelve seconds]
[I am on guard duty]

‘Daddy I can’t slee…’
You've only been trying for ten seconds, go to sleep
<Rolls eyes>

‘Daddy I'm scare...’
<Walk in, turns on light, fake checks for anything scary>
Don’t worry your Dad is guarding your door
Ain’t nothing gonna hurt my little girl <Pats hammer on hand>

‘Daddy my wat...’
<Passes Miss4 a fresh tippy cup of water>
<The outside drip free as drips on the plastic are not acceptable>

‘Daddy this bit hur...’
<Holds up three types of plasters>
My foot <Points>
<Applies plaster to NOTHING>
<Kisses it better>

‘Daddy if I do this with my eyes/nose/ear…’,
Don’t do that
Close those eyes and it will feel better in the morning

‘Daddy I need to tell…
I don't care
Please let it not be about colours
‘...you about...’
In the morning, now is sleep time
<Carries on talking anyway>
<Listens, but does not care, and makes conversation noises then endorses the care-lacking>

‘Daddy I need a mummy…’
<I tag in Mrs. Amazing>
<Mrs. Amazing comes in, hugs, kisses, tucks in, leaves>
<We high five and she sets off to do battle with Boy8>
<Rubs hand a bit coz Mrs. Amazing high fives too hard>

‘Daddy this bit is itch ....’
<Produces general, all over body, cream>
This is magic cream and fixes everything
<Applies to indicated area>
Go to sleep

‘Daddy my du…’
<Scuttles in, straightens duvet, tucks it in REAL tight>
<Wonders why I scuttled?>

'Daddy this isn't mi...'
Thank you <Takes item>

‘Daddy what are you play...’
Err... Candy Crush Super Stickman Golf... Chess
<Does shifty eyes>
<Turns off phone>

(Must get a new chair... More comfy...)

I thank you <Bows at the end of the master class>
<Miss4 bows too>
<Notices Miss4 is out of bed>
Where did you come from?… Get. Back. TO BED!